Index Support Center Forums Living with N Going home early

  • This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 9 months ago by KatieLady. This post has been viewed 729 times
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  • #1274
    AvatarWonderfulworld
    Participant

    The thread “Making plans” got me thinking of a problem my husband and I face all the time. He is extremely outgoing and he doesn’t want to miss anything. I’m outgoing, too, until I suddenly get so tired I can’t even force a smile. When we go to for instance a birthday party I like to go home early so that I can go to bed and my husband always wants to stay for a couple of more hours. When it’s close to home we solve this problem by him driving me home and then he continues having fun while I get my sleep. If it takes an hour to drive me home this of course is not an option. We still haven’t figured this out.

    He is really really bad at saying “goodbye we are going home now.” He forgets after 5 seconds that he just promised me we were going home because someone started talking and he is already in a “very important” conversation. He just can’t go home early! He wants to be the last person there and he totally forgets about me and how I feel. I understand it must be boring to be the first person going home but it hurts me that he understands me so little and rarely puts me first in these situations. If I go home late I can feel that for several days. I try to warn him when I’m only feeling a little tired that it would be best if we go home soon so that he knows what’s coming. After a while I ask him if it’s okay if we go in half an hour and he agrees. And then sometimes continues talking after half an hour, an hour or more. I keep reminding him and he keeps forgetting it again because he wants to finish his conversation first.

    Last time I ended up waiting 2,5 hours and went into another room to sleep. But I couldn’t fall asleep and I couldn’t move my body or speak anymore because I was so tired. My husband had to help me get up again. And it made me really mad because he promised we would go home…

    How do we solve this? And how do I make him understand how important it is for me to get home when I feel that I just can’t stay up any longer? Or should I just survive those late parties/visits because it’s not that often? Am I the one who is unfair?

    #1280
    FerretFerret
    Moderator

    You are not the one being unfair and neither is he. Is there any chance of taking a taxi to get home?… and drop the car keys where he can’t find them on your way out the door?
    Jason would be a good one to weigh in on this because he’s had the same problem.
    A little consideration in BOTH directions would be a bonus. You’ve made the effort to socialize but he hasn’t made the effort to understand your limitations. Or, when alcohol is involved, the best of intentions fly out the door.
    In that case, how considerate are you the morning after? Me? I’d be playing a loud marching band complete with cymbals and drums at top volume.
    If nothing else, I hope I made you laugh.

    #1282
    TheRabbitKingTheRabbitKing
    Keymaster

    Yeah, what Ferret said, tell him has 30 minutes or he has to cough up an uber fare.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by TheRabbitKing.

    My current jam: Anathema - Springfield

    #1287
    AvatarWonderfulworld
    Participant

    Ferret, you are right. I’ve always given him what he wanted because he has the driver’s license and I don’t. I had to be social and try to talk and laugh even when I started having headaches because I was so exhausted. He is putting very little effort into understanding that I can’t go further than to a certain point – even without any alcohol involved because he actually doesn’t drink. But when we are at home he always agrees that we should go home earlier next time.
    I really wish I could drive. I don’t know how many times I’ve imagined myself saying “I’m going home now, if you don’t want to find alternative transportation you’ll be out here in 2 minutes!” I’m pretty sure that would end his conversation!

    DeathRabbit: Maybe not such a bad idea.

    #1312
    FerretFerret
    Moderator

    I’m really glad that alcohol is not involved because it so muddies the waters. Yeah, I like Wabbit’s idea too but with one caveat… get the uber fare up front before you even leave your house. This will impress upon your husband that you are dead serious about your limits.
    My preference was always to entertain at our home if at all possible. I got really good at thanking everyone for the pleasure of their company but that I was now toast and was going to bed. Those that knew what was going on would explain it to others after my exit.
    Do not ever compromise your own well being. Best of luck.

    #1384
    PurpleyPurpley
    Participant

    Ditto what everyone else said, but please use Lyft instead of Uber since Uber’s evil. 😉 Have a conversation with him now, when one of these events hasn’t just happened. If he’s not a jerk and you can really have a two-way conversation with him, review the situation as neutrally as possible, and tell him that you want to work out a solution that’s fair to both of you. Remind him that the two of you have repeatedly tried a simple reminder to him that you need to leave and “it hasn’t worked” — again, very neutrally, not “you don’t listen” — so the two of you need a different plan. If you get him to buy into that idea, that the two of you need to try something different, then you can brainstorm with him.

    Whatever the two of you decide to do, it must be absolutely concrete — that is, something with very measurable and specific steps that can’t be fudged or misinterpreted. In other words, idiot-proof. For some parties, you might just agree to a simple rule in advance: “We need to leave at exactly 9pm, and if you’re not ready, I’ll take a cab home.” (And do it!) For other situations, you may want to be flexible, so….

    Good: “When I tell you I’m tired…” (not great, because he might be talking with someone and you can’t get him away from the other person to tell him that, or he’ll claim he didn’t know you meant, THAT tired, or that it meant you were ready to leave)
    Better: “When I say, ‘Hubby, it’s [X o’clock right now] — remind me to send that really important email to Bill tonight after we get home’….” (it’s a “safe phrase,” you can interrupt his conversation to ask him that and he can’t claim he didn’t know what you meant)

    Good: “….that means I’m ready to leave.”
    Better: “….that means I need to leave, and you need to have said your goodbyes and be in the car in 15 minutes or less,” or, “….that means I need to leave, so in exactly 15 minutes, you can either drive me home, or I call Lyft.” (the nice thing about Lyft instead of a cab is that there will still be a financial penalty if he gets ready before they arrive and you cancel it.)

    You get the idea. I’m not saying this is the plan you should have, these are just examples of how specific you need to be. No fudge factors allowed, like a computer program: IF…[x occurs]…THEN…[y occurs]

    Good luck!

    "Even a soul submerged in sleep is hard at work and helps make something of the world."
    ― Heraclitus, Fragments
    #1539
    AvatarKatieLady
    Keymaster

    I can totally understand your feeling of hurt here! It must feel horrible to have him appear to not be prioritizing how you feel and your medical and health needs. Unfortunately, even if someone KNOWS it’s a sleep disorder, many people just can’t comprehend what it’s like to be so tired that you NEED to go home, or knowing you’re going to be so tired the next day if you don’t get home at a certain time.

    We can’t fault people for not being able to understand, because for some people it’s impossible. I’m sure that sometimes your husband feels hurt and thinks you are not prioritizing one of his needs- his social life.

    Honestly, I think the solution is using Lyft or Uber or a taxi. It sounds like your husband thrives on socializing with others, and that’s okay! If that’s what gives him energy and joy, then it shouldn’t be something that needs to be sacrificed all the time. But in the same way, your well being shouldn’t be sacrificed either. While compromise is all well and good, it means both of you will be sacrificing. Using a cab/ride service lets you both live how you want to. You said that he drives you home when it’s close anyway, so it doesn’t appear that it bothers you fundamentally for him to continue to stay out when you go home.

    I understand that price and money is probably an issue- if you’re somewhere far where he can’t drive you, then the drive will be expensive. But that’s why you should talk about it ahead of time- if it is not a party/event he thinks is worth spending money for your cab home for, then he should agree to a specific time of leaving.

    Final thought to end this extremely long reply (sorry I’m rambling!), if you don’t know how to broach the subject with him, maybe show him this thread! Ask him his opinion on suggestions and how he feels!

    Good luck!

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